


Thinking it Through

by mogwai_do



Series: Confessions and Absolutions [4]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Introspection, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-05
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-23 18:47:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/625414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mogwai_do/pseuds/mogwai_do
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack does some thinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thinking it Through

I've spent a lifetime doing dangerous, risky things, moreso in the last few years, but I have to admit that this beats them all for sheer weirdness. I've driven half the morning and I'm miles out of town, up in the mountains where civilisation seems a long way away. I used to bring Charlie up here sometimes; he'd be in his pyjamas, wrapped up snug in a blanket, and he'd nestle against me while I read him his favourite bedtime story. I'm still word perfect on Where The Wild Things Are. We'd drink hot chocolate from a Thermos Sara made up for us and watch the stars come out; he'd always be fast asleep before we were even halfway back down the mountain. I still come out here now and again when I need to think and this is definitely a situation that warrants it.

Daniel kissed me. Part of me can't believe he did that, another part isn't surprised at all and I have to wonder why my subconscious didn't see fit to share this little insight with the rest of the class. There's a certain logic to it though, because I already knew I loved him. I admit I've never thought of him as a lover, but for years now he's been everything else to me.

Daniel kissed me. It still seems strange; I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be reacting. It's like his kiss kicked my brain into automatic until now. I recognise the response; it's a defence mechanism I perfected in Special Ops when I couldn't afford to be distracted by my own feelings. It's never kicked in with Daniel before and I guess that alone is enough to tell me this is something I need to think about. I've already made my decision, but in order for it to be worth anything I have to work out the rest. Much as I dislike getting into the whole feelings thing, Daniel deserves no less from me.

I stare blindly out over one of the deep valleys hereabouts, but my mind is replaying Daniel's kiss. It was... nice; comfortable in a strange way. I honestly think I could have just stood there and let him kiss me all day without complaint. It was warm and sweet and earnest, much like Daniel himself sometimes, which inevitably makes me wonder if he has kisses to match the strong, stubborn, passionate side of him too. That thought stirs something inside me, more than casual curiosity, but it's hard to identify. Not that I was curious about how my best friend kissed, but I know now anyway.

Daniel kissed me. Daniel loves me. I know that too now. There's no way I could miss it, as close as we are, once he'd clued me in. This isn't comfort or a fuck buddies thing; this is for real for him - forever stuff. That's a bit more difficult to wrap my head around. Daniel _loves_ me - I wish I knew why.

I know exactly what he's offering too and I can practically feel my self-preservation instincts kicking in on his behalf. For all I can't blame her, Sara leaving me hurt more than I ever want to admit, Daniel knows that, he lost Sha're. It leaves me at a loss that he would want to risk that pain again with me. I don't exactly have the best track record and I don't want to hurt him, but some things you never forget, no matter how much you want to.

Which brings me to the reason I suspect is at least partially responsible for the emotional lockdown. Number two on my list of things I'd like to be able to forget: sex, specifically gay sex. Daniel may be a scientist and a genius, but he's still a guy - he's not just looking to hold hands. I could feel it in that second kiss, even though I started it, he wants to fuck. More specifically, he wants to fuck me. I'm not sure he was aware of how much he gave away then, or maybe it just didn't matter. The idea of sex with another man leaves me more than cold, but sex with Daniel... I should feel _something_ about it, but I don't, which tells me my subconscious defences are all in good working order, which in turn tells me that whatever I'm feeling and not telling myself about - it's strong. I can't afford to feel it and deal with the issues at the same time, my divorce taught me that. The one time the trick failed and I felt instead of dealt, everything fell apart. I'd lost Charlie, I lost Sara and for a while I lost myself. I don't know if Daniel understands how necessary that lockdown is, if he can or will wait it out. I think I need him to, but my needing something has rarely ever made anything so.

Daniel wants to fuck me. Somehow the focus of that sentence is Daniel, not the act or my part in it. I want to squirm with the unease I feel, but the very fact that it’s Daniel soothes it. I always knew I trusted him, but I never really considered all the scenarios where it might be put to the test. If Daniel were here now and listening in to my thoughts he'd probably get all shy and pleased that apparently my trust in him extends so far. I trust Daniel more than anyone ever before; I've had friends I could trust with my life and a wife I could trust with my heart, but never both in the same package. He knows things about me I've never told _anyone_ , some of those things I've never even told him, but he knows them anyway. I can only hope that Jack-Daniel intuition keeps on working because I need him to understand this and I'm not sure I'll be able to find the words.

I honestly don't know if I can do the physical side of a relationship with him; I trust him enough to let him try, but I honestly can't guess at the result. I find myself wanting to try though, which has to mean something. Is Daniel attractive? Yes, no question, but it's an objective answer. Does he do it for me? I'm honestly not sure; I can't picture it, there are too many bad memories in the way. I need Daniel to get me past them, to give me something to stack against the memories, before I can look at us and think lovers. It was surprisingly easy to initiate a kiss of my own, but it was strangely abstract too, out of context. I trust him and as far as intent goes he has the best will in the world, I just hope it's enough. The first time he touches my dick I could freak and really hurt him and not just physically. I'm pretty sure I won't - I hope I won't. Until I know for sure though, I can't let myself want him the way he wants me, I have to keep my distance. I don't know if he's worked out all my reasons for hesitating yet, that it's not about some dumbass military policy, but he's a smart guy so he'll figure it out sooner or later. Then the whole fucking thing might cease to be an issue, but knowing Daniel I don't think he'd let it get in the way - at least I hope not.

I want to want him, but I don't know if it's for my sake or his. I'm afraid that I'll hurt him without meaning to, that I'll assume he understands everything going through my head when I _know_ I'm sometimes as incomprehensible to him as he is to me. Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups or something like that. I've made a moderately successful career out of not making assumptions, but I'm not sure I can trust myself with this. So much of what's between Daniel and me is pure instinct and near-impossible to analyse. Falling in love isn't something that should be analysed anyway; it either is or it isn't, so why is it that I just don't know? Daniel knows and therein lies a solution of sorts; Daniel knows and I trust Daniel. It goes against the grain to put this much faith in anyone, but if I can rely on him until I've worked it all out... It's not fair on him maybe, though I think I know what he'd say, he's never been shy about giving whether he can afford to or not. Neither of us is prepared to lose our friendship, so we have to get this right and in a sudden burst of optimism, I think we will. No matter what we decide, so long as we don't try to force it, as long as we let our instincts lead us rather than external concerns, we'll do okay.

My stomach growls loudly and my focus turns outward once again. I'm a little surprised to see the sun already well past its zenith, I have no idea how long I've been sitting here thinking. Daniel's the one with a tendency to lose track of the time, not me. Maybe this means he'll start getting up before the last minute... nah. My stomach growls again in a not-so-subtle prompt and I start to head back to the truck. I think I've worked this as far as it will go without Daniel. The thought makes me smile even though he's not here to see it; over the years I've lost faith in an awful lot of things, but my faith in us is as strong as ever. This could be the one thing that might break the Jack-Daniel unit, but I don't think so, neither of us will let it, and as has been pointed out to us on many occasions by many different people, together we corner the market on stubborn. We've weathered so much, propped each other up when we needed it and kicked the other's ass when that was needed too; we've succeeded where no-one else has and survived things that no-one should have to and we're still here. Together we'll work this out too.

 

FIN


End file.
